Monthly Archives: September 2011

Dear Fayza: Should I leave the father of my child if he doesn’t want to marry me?

(Column originally published here.)

Venus de Milo once said, “A good love is delicious; you can’t get enough too soon.” But Patty Smyth argued, “Sometimes love just ain’t enough.”

What happens when a good love isn’t enough to fill you up? That’s what this week’s letter writer wants to know.

Dear Fayza,

My boyfriend and I have been together for about two years. Everything is going perfect. We have a new baby, a new house and a nice life overall.

There’s just one thing. We’re not married or engaged. He has not asked, but if he did, I would say yes.

The problem is, I really want to be married. Even though we have all this, being married does matter to me. He’s never said much about marriage, although I would say that he’s the family man type.

I’m just not sure if we want the same things out of this arrangement. Is my boyfriend ever going to ask me to marry him or should I get out of this relationship?

- Sadie Hawkins

Dear Sadie,

Could you hang on a second? I’d like to pull up a rocking chair and grab my corncob pipe.

You see, we’ve got a classic case of putting the cart before the horse here. Well, it’s either that or the timeless conundrum of why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Maybe if I chewed on this piece of straw a little more thoughtfully, I could cluck-cluck-cluck between the two schools of thought more deftly.

Now that my urge to pummel you with useless adages has been satiated, let’s move on so that I can pummel you with useful ones.

Disclaimer: I’m not a traditional girl, by any means. So if you’re expecting a lecture on “doing things out of order,” Joel Osteen’s holding an appointment open for you this Sunday at 8:30 a.m.

Nor am I too modern to question your desire to have your boyfriend make an honest woman out of you. There are plenty of practical reasons (hello, legal rights!) for wanting a more perfect union.

But I would like to spank your flanks for not squaring yourselves before life started happening. At some point, you most likely had lengthy discussions about procreation and purchasing real estate. What happened to the chat about holy matrimony? ‘Till death do us part pretty much completes the ideal of that circle of life trifecta — and perhaps something you might’ve prioritized when making decisions about the other two.

But it’s all shoulda woulda coulda, at this point. While this may be a fine time for asking these questions (not), there’s no sense in crying over spilled milk now.

You’re heavily invested in this relationship, and things seem to be going swimmingly. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right?

Wrong. If marriage is important enough to you to consider leaving what is otherwise “perfect,” it absolutely must be addressed.

Right now, it sounds like you’ve got a lot of “new” going on. New addition to the family, new digs, and by many standards, a relatively new relationship (in the grand scheme of things).

You’ve had a lot happen in a generally short period of time. Your boyfriend may be just as mired as you are in adapting. He’s probably struggling to keep his head above water with all the big changes your relationship has gone through since the outset.

He may also have his own ideas about timing and finances — and it might not add up at present.

I’m confident you didn’t reach any of your previous milestones by reading each others’ minds. This one should be no different. If you want to be married, talk with him about it. Communicate this need to him — as you would with the groceries in the refrigerator, diapers for the baby, or whether he or you gets to be on top.

I know that isn’t particularly romantic, but you’re past the cutesy will-he-or-won’t-he stage, whether you realize it or not. It sounds to me as if you need him to shit or get off the pot already. Because if he ain’t ready to shit, you’re about to take your pot elsewhere.

Unlike many pre-engagement relationships, there’s so much to lose here that you really can’t afford to rely on clairvoyance. So start doing some talking — before you start walking.

Cheers,
Fayza

My advice is sage and better than any old adage. Send an e-mail toadvice@culturemap.com, message me on Facebook or Twitter, or leave a question in the comments below. Look before you leap — and ask me first.

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Leave it to a credit card company to make my travel fantasies come true.

We all have our completely irrational wishes. Well, I know I do. And I have always, always wished that someone would just call me up one day and offer me a free trip to wherever I wanted to go. That and tell me that I’m the proud owner of a cuddly monkey that doesn’t take bites out of human faces for dinner.

Fast forward to the digital age, where no one really uses phones anymore, and yet, it happened. Yes, it really did.

Well, not the monkey part, unfortch.

One day, I sat down at my desk, and I had an email from Ogilvy in New York City (which, of course, I thought was fake). They wanted to give me American Express Membership Rewards points — 150,000 of them, to be exact — so I could plan a weekend getaway. That I would take. For free. No strings attached. Unless you call writing about it “strings.”

I write for a living, man. I can’t think of any strings I’d like more.

So through the American Express Membership Rewards program and its nifty little Pay With Points feature, I’m going to pretend I’m, like, a legit cardmember and stuff, and use my 150,000 membership points to take a trip to …

Yeah, I have no idea.

Good thing I have you.

You see, there’s something in it for you, too, my friends. A $100 American Express gift card.

That’s right, American Express wants to buy your love, too.

You tell me where you think I should go, what you think I should do when I get there, and how I should skirt the law while I’m doing those things (KIDDING! I think). Whoever’s ideas rock the hardest gets a $100 American Express gift card. Just for making my travel itinerary happy.

While I figure out the ins and outs of the American Express Membership Rewards program, why don’t you leave me a few comments and tell me what the heck I should do with my 150,000 points?

And make ‘em good, lovies. I want to reward you.

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Dear Fayza: Should I accept a job offer that I’m not qualified for?

(Column originally published here.)

In this increasingly status-driven world, the measure of a man (or a woman, for that matter) is often his (or her) professional life. The pressure to find the perfect gig bears down early — if they can hold a pencil, kids can take career assessments. For the remainder of their educational lives, our impressionable youth are steered in a direction— to put it politely —  that was determined when they probably still wet the bed.

But what happens when your mortarboard barely has a chance to collect dust, and that dream job comes along — and you’re not ready?

Career counselor’s cap? On.

 

Dear Fayza,

I’m a very recent college grad with a degree in software engineering. I worked at an internship at a pretty legit company that gave me a good recommendation.

So I went off to find a job. I interviewed at a few places. The job I really wanted extended an offer to me.

But the problem is, at my internship, I didn’t do any actual software engineering. In fact, I was more of a secretary. So I don’t have as much experience as it seems.

After the interview, even though I did well, I realized that I’m underqualified for the job. My internship looks good on paper (good company, good recommendation), but it didn’t give me any experience. I interviewed well, but looking into the job position, I’m unsure about whether or not I can actually handle the tasks that go with the role.

It’s not about me not knowing if I can handle the tasks of the role. I’m not exactly able to fulfill all of the job requirements listed.

I didn’t lie on my resume or anything. It’s not like the job description said, “Be good with people,” and I’m thinking, “Oh geez, I’m socially retarded.”

But those more defined, software engineer skills that I have to have to get the job — I don’t have them.

Do I take the job or not?

- All Systems Go?

 

Dear Systems,

You certainly are a very recent college graduate, aren’t you? Well, you’re thinking just like one, at least.

Lucky for you, I’m thinking like the wizened and sage thirtysomething that I am, and I’m channeling a news flash for your benefit.

Ready?

Buck up, enginerd-in-training. You’re in for a bumpy ride. But hold on tight, because you’re going to weather this storm.

I’m not going to soak you with, “You can do it! Believe in yourself! You don’t know until you try!” rah-rahs. I’m not into that many exclamation points in row, I hung up my pom-poms in 1997, and thankfully, I’m too young to be your mother.

But I do want to shake you vigorously. Don’t downplay your accomplishments so quickly, young Padawan.

You got the chance to associate your name and your skills with the likes of a prestigious company in your field. They liked you enough to put nice things about you down on paper. You found the position of your dreams, knocked the interview out of the park, and you got that damn job.

Meanwhile, your peers are still probably trying to make Plan D happen.

But it’s yours. You’ve got it.

Keeping the gig, on the other hand, is another matter — and with your current defeatist attitude, you’re sure to lose it.

You see, the nature of some internships isn’t to give you any substantive duties. It’s to familiarize you with the work, the flow, the environment, and the overall professional life in your field. You’re likely not entrusted to move mountains as an intern; sometimes, which coffee to brew that day is the biggest decision you’ll make.

But rest assured, those corporate overlords are watching you. They’re assessing you. They’re sizing you up. They want to make sure you’re someone they want in their field. Because if you suck, they’re going to be dealing with your whippersnapper ass for at least 25 years to come.

The same thing happened in your interview. Your new company reviewed your résumé and your recommendation, saw your potential, knows you’re greener than fresh grass — and still extended you the offer.

And yet you still don’t think you have the skills to do this job?

(You obviously didn’t wear your insecurities on your sleeve at the interview.)

Look, kid, you really don’t know until you try. But like I said, this cheerleader’s retired. So if you think you need to beef up those software engineering skills to do the job you’ve been offered, just do it.

Knowledge isn’t confined to the hallowed halls of educational institutions, or we’d all be stuck with twentysomething brains like yours. The School of Hard Knocks teaches us far more than we ever learned between the covers of books — like going after something if you really, really want it, and doing everything you can to keep it.

Whether you realize it or not (and you don’t realize it, that’s clear), youare qualified. Leaders in your industry think you’re qualified. Former supervisors think you’re qualified. Your degree-granting university thinks you’re qualified.

But you don’t, and that’s all that matters. So go out there and figure out what it is that you don’t know, and know it, dammit. Take an online course. Read a few books. Schedule mentoring time with experienced software engineers. Peruse websites. Ask questions on forums. Be aggressive. Do you want it? Prove it, mister.

Yes, there might be a steep learning curve, but it’s all accessible. No one’s asking you to be a stuntman or a motivational speaker. It’s concrete knowledge that you can find, learn, sink your teeth into, and digest.

College isn’t the end of learning, buddy. It’s only the beginning.

You’ve worked this hard. You’ve gotten this far. Are you seriously going to drop the ball now?

I didn’t think so.

Cheers,
Fayza

 

With my advice, you’ll never need a Plan B (or C or D). Just ask. Send an e-mail to advice@culturemap.com, message me on Facebook or Twitter,or leave a question in the comments below. I’m qualified, and I’m for hire.

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Dear Fayza: Should I tell my friend to stop dating a married man or silently wait for disaster?

(Column originally published here.)

Can you believe it’s already September? Not that it feels that way or anything. It’s still very much summer in my neck of God’s country(for readers of my nationally syndicated column that unfortunately find themselves outside the great state of Texas).

I’m theorizing that this go-go-gadget heat is seeping through your windows, under your doors, and into your bedrooms, too.

Why do I say that? Because I also have cause to wonder whether the outlandish temperatures have dried out your brains — causing you to make some ill-advised choices.

At least that’s what the the letter writer below is positing. Let’s see for ourselves.

 

Dear Fayza,

My friend is dating a married guy. Not in a mistress sort of way, but in a not-quite-divorced, maybe-even-trial-separation kind of way.

I want the best for her, and I’m happy if she’s happy, but I don’t think it’s a good sign about a guy’s commitments if he drops his wife and picks up a new girlfriend before the ink is even dry on the divorce papers.

Do I tell her what I think, or just be supportive and there for her when and if the shit hits the fan?

- Don’t Give Your Lifey to a Man With a Wifey

 

Dear Don’t,

Before we begin, I’d like to award you a shiny gold star for what, I assume, must be a life lived according to convictions, values and end games. You know what you want, you’ve got your destinations plotted in ink on your life map, and your eyes never leave that prize. Congratulations. You are a success!

Now for the good news: We all don’t operate the way you do.

Let’s get real here. You’re not happy if she’s happy. Because if you were, you wouldn’t have written this letter.

So your friend is dating a man that may or may not exactly be divorced — facts of which your friend is fully aware. Her paramour is also not fully committed to his attenuated marriage, either. I’ll admit, it’s a situation that ups the squirm factor for those that prefer black and white when it comes to matrimony — those that see marital bonds as a contractual agreement that must be rescinded by a legal entity to be null and void.

But some people are more at home in gray areas than you might be.

While dating might be a step toward 2.5 kids and a white picket fence for you, for others, it’s the company of another interesting human along the journey that fuels the fire. The experience of simply enjoying someone else in the here and now may be all your friend is looking for out of this relationship. He may be a stop along the way to her — and nothing more.

There’s no script when it comes to amorousness, and it’d be foolish to structure affections by presuming what your friend’s life goals — past, present, or future — might be.

And what if it did develop into something more serious? Then what? Mr. Not-So-Married wouldn’t be the first person in the world to meet the love of his life at the worst possible time.

As long as he’s always on the up and up with her and treats her like the queen she is, you don’t have much to complain about. You’re more than entitled to voice your concerns to her — if she asks, that is. But it’s not your right to assume that you know what she wants for herself more than she does.

It sounds to me like the real issue here is the one you take with her acceptance of these murky waters she’s swimming in. If you trust her and her judgment, it’s not your place to rescue her when there is no emergency.

Cheers,
Fayza

 

Monogamously married, sassy singleton, perfectly polygamous, hoes in different area codes — I can handle whatever relationship woes you throw. Own up and post them in the comments below, or break my heart in a message to me at advice@culturemap.com, or on Facebook or Twitter. There’s only one man for me, but I know you might be in the process of plentiful pit stops. I’ll recognize your emergency and save you.

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