Well, hello there. Looky looky what we have here. It’s my birthday, and I’ve got a wee morsel of snark-ready cuisine served up fresh on my plate. A new Britney Spears video? Could it get any better? Oh, Birthday Gods, thank you ever so much. This couldn’t be any day but my birthday.
So, Britney’s new video is called “Womanizer.” It features a very attractive bloke going about his ordinary day, his scantily clad housewife cooking him eggs (strangely square in shape) while in his boxers, then cuts to him slaving away at the daily grind in the office, progressing into having a cigar-and-scotch lunch (um?) with his co-worker boys, transitioning into being chauffeured around in his Town Car, and then returning home at the end of a long day…of “womanizing.” Or is he?
First of all, let’s begin with the basics. It’s a good thing Britney can release a video that opens with her writhing around alone, oiled and naked, in a strategically lit sauna. Because then we sorta forget that she can’t actually sing at all. Those of us that don’t rely on our ears for hearing, that is. Having her songs stand on their own, sans racy or controversial videos? Oh, c’mon, silly. We know that ain’t gonna happen.
Is anyone else confused as to what naked Britney in a sauna has to do with anything? Anyone? Okay, wanna hear my guess? To distract people from actually listening to the song! Once again, my theory harks back to the fact that…okay, okay, you already know her croonin’ chords are a joke. Clever decoy there, producers.
But I’m still confused. We’re talking about a “womanizer,” right? A “player”? A “manwhore”? “Casanova”? “Don Juan”? “Skirt chaser”? “Ladies Man“? Right? So, what part of “womanizing” do you see taking place in any of these screenshots?
Pardon the excessive hair flippage. She’s merely avoiding the imminent “womanizing” by tossing her tresses ’round and ’round. And ’round.
Oh, hey there, sauna. What was your function again? Gratuitous nude shots of Britney to distract the viewer from the fact that there’s absolutely no talent nor substance behind this “comeback effort” (or her entire career, for that matter)? Oh, okay. Carry on.
So, she suggestively struts her naughty bits to practically vex him into ending up between her legs throughout the video, and then he gets the beating of his life at the end. Reality, were you going to make an appearance here, perhaps?
We have to talk.
According to Dictionary.com, a “womanizer” is defined as “a man who likes many women and has short sexual relationships with them.” And further, “to womanize” means “to pursue women lecherously.” Oh, ha, that’s funny, ’cause the only “lecherous pursuit” I see here is Britney rubbing all parts of her female genitalia on a man that probably would have left her alone, had she not suctioned her breasts to his palms at every free flick of the wrist.
Men, if every single woman, from your sassy secretary to the wild waitress to the lascivious limo driver, for example, were all actively attempting to grab your appendage and have porn star sex with you, um, under these conditions, wouldn’t you be labeled a “womanizer,” too? While I’m sure many philandering gentleman have attempted to use that line of reasoning as a pithy excuse that their significant other did not buy, we all know that rarely happens to the average Joe Six-Pack. Even if he looks like the fine young specimen in the video. It don’t happen that way, Bubba. You’ll notice, too, that Baby Faced Cutie (who actually has a name – Brandon Stoughton – imagine that!) hasn’t exactly done anything to entice, provoke, or chase her. Unless looking has somehow been declared a crime in Britney’s futuristic harlot haven. And isn’t the heart of “womanizing” the pursuit of women?
Perhaps I’m just dense. I mean, scan the YouTube comments, and you’ll see nothing but the highest praise for the Return of America’s Top Pop Tart. The bells are ringing with fervent glee, and chants of “BriTnEy iZ BACK!!!!!” echo from the rafters (in varying levels and amounts of capital letters and with differing degrees of punctuational emphasis, of course). I even saw a comment (that I can’t seem to locate now) that touts this video as “empowering women in bad relationships.” Whoa, seriously? So this video is going to, like, spawn a movement? Because I think this video sorta hikes down the skirt of the women’s movement. I suppose I’m simply not American enough to pull the leather corset over my eyes and enjoy this.
Errr, the pretty lil’ “womanizer” in the video is quite delectable, at the very least. See? There’s a little redblood in this American for you after all.