Meat and potatoes. Bread and butter. Hollywood and Vine. Abercrombie and Fitch. Barnes and Noble. Britney and white trash. Brandi and coffee. I, too, love two things so very, very much that they are inseparable in my mind, which makes them inseparable for all time.
One of these things is cheese.
Cheese, how I love you. You are the tastiest, most delicious, most glorious curdled coagulation ever invented. You are delectable on sandwiches, in soups, on a salad, all alone, paired with wine, coupled with beer, as a meal, as a snack, as a treat, as dessert! You are the reason that I will never, ever achieve veganism in this lifetime. Because I am so in love with you, cheese. You’re the one that I want. Cheese, if you were a human being, we’d have almost nothing in common, but at least we’d have a good time together. I mean that in a PG-sort of way, I swear.
I don’t have anything more to say about cheese, really. I just thought you should know how I feel.
The other thing I love is monkeys.
Oh, hello there, lil’ monkey. YOU WEALLY CUTE!
When I say “monkeys,” I really mean “primates.” I only use those two words interchangeably because I have creative license to do so, and no one can stop me.
And no, it’s absolutely not okay that monkeys/chimpanzees/orangutans/gorillas/lemurs/tamarins are that cute. In fact, it’s completely unfair. The whole animal kingdom really should revolt, actually. If I was an elephant, I’d throw a very hysterical fit immediately. And stomp my big fat feet a whole lot. If I was a giraffe, I wouldn’t even sign on to the next iteration of The Jungle Book unless the producers made sure that all members of the incredibly lovable primate population were excluded from the cast. It’s not right. How can one animal usurp so much wonderfulness in the world? It’s completely, ridiculously biased. And unjust. And weally, weally cute.
Anyway, well, do you know that certain foods contain palm oil, and palm oil plantations actually contribute to the extinction of orangutans? Yes, that is true. It’s a crisis. What’s even truer is that many of the foods that you will consume or distribute – particularly Halloween candies at this time of year, ahem - contain this dastardly palm oil nonsense. So educate yourself. Don’t buy Halloween candies with palm oil in them. Just don’t. I said don’t. There’s a lot of candy out there; you won’t miss a few cavities here and there, I promise. This handy dandy list will help you chocolatize and sugarize the kiddos without snuffing out the most amazing animal that the jungle has to offer.
Okay, look. I’ll level with you. If I’m ever going to cuddle with orangutans, you’re gonna have to work with me here. You gotta make sure they stay alive long enough for me to get to Borneo or Sumatra, and that’s not going to happen right now. Not unless National Geographic plucks me out of obscurity for my awesome journalism and photography prowess (hola, NatGeo, I’m waiting!). Since my cellie hasn’t blown up with NatGeo on the other end yet, lay off the Three Musketeers and Dum Dums this Halloween, you dig? Pull your weight in my quest to hug an orangutan.
Okay. And that’s all I really have to say. Aloha!
DISCLAIMER WHICH SHOULD’VE GONE AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS POST: This post is entirely incoherent, highly irrelevant to a whole lot of everything, and generally worth reading because it’s as ADD as you are. Please read with caution. Take your meds. No other safeguards will be provided. Carry on.