Listen, Russian spammers, I know I haven’t been posting a lot at all lately, but this blog is not defunct, so lay off the vodka binge for a second.
Yes, this is my feeble attempt to make yet another excuse for not posting. Wait, have I made a genuine excuse before? It doesn’t matter.
I’m so bored with my own excuses that I’m not even going to bother making any. But I will make lists. Because lists are nice, and everyone loves a good list, right? Oh, and lists aren’t excuses. They’re awesome. Just like me.
Top 11 Reasons Why Fayza Hasn’t Been Blogging Here
- She’s scheming. Okay, that might be a given, but still, she’s definitely scheming. And she doesn’t wanna tell you about it. Na-na-na-boo-boo.
- She’s un-fattening herself. She’s been training for an adventure race with an adventure racing team. It’s all very adventurous. And frankly, she loves it and wishes it would take up even more of her time than it already does. That isn’t sarcasm, actually.
- She’s a tool. She’s adopted a third-person-only method of addressing herself, but she’s not that smart, so it gets really confusing sometimes.
- She’s replaced I’m Awesome. with greener pastures. So, okay, not entirely true, but she is blogging over at the Houston Press (yes, a real, live, legitimate publication, can you believe it?) as its new social media columnist.
- She’s a slacker. She’s trying to pull her weight over on the Schipul blog. Because she doesn’t work hard enough at Schipul as is.
- She buys into the hype ’cause Oprah told her to. She can’t blog from her BlackBerry very easily at all, but she can tweet from it (so she does that instead). What a sheep.
- She sucks now. She misses being a real snaggletoothed jackoff, like she was on her old blog (which she will not reveal to you).
- She’s boring. She has nothing interesting to say. Okay, this one’s a bold-faced, Arial-fonted lie.
- She wants you to miss her. What, something wrong with good ol’ fashioned beggin’ for attention?
- She’s been livin’ up life as a $30,000 millionaire. Jetsetting to San Francisco, like, every other weekend. And you know it.
- She’s pretty sure this blog is all about her. And what a vain concept that is.
As if anything further needs to be said, well, I’m sayin’ it. I’m going to stop taking this space on the interwebs so seriously and let my hair down. All six inches of it. And maybe go without underwear while wearing a skirt on a windy day, too. Life’s too short to care so much, isn’t it?
I’m taking suggestions for making this blog more interesting (subject to my overarching veto, of course). ‘Cause gawd only knows we need another blogger out there with absolutely nothing to say.